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<3 Jenna

This year is a little different...

Last year around this time of year, I wrote a blog about Easter. You can find that here: http://jennacanfly.blogspot.com/2011/04/easter.html

This year, things are slightly different.

In years past, it's been awesome to sit and revel in the love of my Savior. I've always been so overwhelmed with His sacrifice that I'm excited to celebrate His resurrection. I've always taken pride in my ability to be "perfect"... all through high school I was viewed completely one-sided; heaven forbid I ever have a bad day. My need for a Savior wasn't much of a need- I was a good girl after all and didn't completely need Him to save me, right? He only came to save the "bad" people.

After many strange, frustrating, insightful and humbling experiences in my life over the past 4 months, I'm learning that perfect is something that I am not. I know it sounds silly; trust me, there are days when I still can't believe that I hid behind that lie for so long.

This year, I'm reveling in the deep, deep Grace of my Father. His Love is incredible, don't get me wrong. But His grace is something that I absolutely cannot comprehend. I'm humbled by the fact that without His sacrifice, I would be completely separated from Him by my sin forever.

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." -Romans 7:18

So this year, I reflect on the fact that His sacrifice completely saved me from the pit and is totally and completely undeserved. It's so humbling to think that the Creator of the world would send His Son to die. He would suffer for me in order to cover my sin.

"I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." -Psalm 16:2

I will never harm you.

The end of the semester always makes me really reflective, especially fall semesters right before the holidays. I think back to this specific time six months ago, and I'm absolutely amazed at how much has changed.

God's faithfulness through it all has humbled me and challenged me. All for His glory. I'm reminded of my constant need for Him. I'm broken and I'm messy. When painful times and changes make me weak, He is still constantly pursuing my heart, renewing my strength.

He's shown me beauty in brokenness and healing in places that I never thought possible. He's given (abundantly) and He's taken away. The Lord has shown me the power of relationships and the true gifts that they are. He loves us so well through others, it seems.

He's shown me how truly blessed I am, and through that knowledge He's humbled me and protected me from feeling guilty. He's introduced me to people on the other side of the world that have tremendously impacted my life. He's broken my heart and He's broken me down. All for His glory.

Jesus has grown me, molded me, and held my heart through it all. Growing up is painful. People aren't constant. Change is inevitable. And heartache is all a part of the process.

The last six months have been so wonderful, so hard, so heartbreaking, so challenging, so joyful, so honest, so refreshing. It's so beautiful to look back at this season of life and see where I've been. He's always working and always challenging me.

Sometimes I questioned if He really knows what He's doing. Times get hard, I become self-reliant, forgetting that He's in control, and then He always gently reminds me to trust Him. His promises are so faithful. When He mentions "plans to prosper you and not to harm you," He's so serious. He will never, ever harm me. He'll challenge me more than any human can, but He'll never give me anything that I can't handle.




Song For You
by Jenny & Tyler

"my voice you didn’t know, didn’t know
i called you had to go, had to go
back to your little world
where nothing is strange

you set out on your own, on your own
you said, i’m heading home, heading home
back to the life you know
neatly arranged

I have done for you
everything my love
hear my song for you
I will not hold my tongue

it’s late, your getting cold, getting cold
you try to keep warm, but you’re alone, you’re alone
the dark streets are empty now | and the wind starts to blow

I have done for you
everything my love
hear My song for you
I will not hold my tongue
open your heart, open your heart
for I have loved you from the start
I will never harm you, come my love
So come
So come

I have done for you
everything my love
hear My song for you
I will not hold my tongue
open your heart, open your heart
for I have loved you
open your heart, open your heart
for I have loved you from the start"

Africa.

Africa is really hard to talk about.

Africa turned my world completely upside-down.

Africa taught me about the Lord and His authority.

Africa showed me how small I really am.

Africa opened my eyes to a bigger, hurting world.

Africa stirred in me a need for relationship and a need to invest more time in the ones that I value.

Africa, and the things that I saw there, haunt me at the most random times.

Africa broke my heart.

Africa helped me to heal.

Africa let me see people experience joy even in the most painful times.

Africa is home to so many broken people. But they're not anymore broken than the any other human beings, including Americans.

Africa beautifully taught me the story of grace.

Africa has my heart and always will. It changed me and shaped me in ways that I didn't know were possible. I still struggle to talk about my experience there and some moments, like this one, I want nothing more than to jump on a plane and fly across the ocean.

Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is completely inevitable in life.

My heart broke the moment I realized that I had to give up the dream of a future together with my boyfriend of two and a half years for reasons completely out of my control.

My heart broke at my first sight of Africa and it's poverty, orphans and disease.

My heart breaks every time I walk into my internship and learn more about the neglect, abuse and brokenness in the lives of my five precious students.

And all of the above mentioned heartache has happened in a three month span of time.

It's inevitable.

The way people treat you while they you're hurting can either cause healing or more heartache.

Tiptoeing around me as though not to mention a painful occurrence only hurts worse sometimes.

Seeing me process through things and freely embracing me though my tears heals me little by little.

Knowing that I don't know what's at the end of this path I'm walking down; knowing that following Christ means painful occurrences; yet all while trusting my Guide makes every ounce of pain and hurt, and every tear just a part of the process of life that will ultimately achieve for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.


"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." -2 Corinthians 4:17


<3

It feels something like summertime.

Oh, summer. It's such a weird, yet awesome time. This summer has been especially weird this time around. I've experienced a plethora of emotions/feelings. Excitement. Exhaustion. Boredom. Disappointment. Heartache. Peace. JOY. Anticipation. Growth.

-I was so excited for summer to finally roll around. Spring semester was especially rough, and I wanted nothing more than to be on summer break, away from school.

-Even though I felt as if I were doing nothing except working, I was absolutely exhausted. Working in a coffee shop is great. The atmosphere is so calming (sometimes). But with a coffee shop comes early morning hours. People need their coffee, especially in the mornings. I began going to bed hours before the rest of my family in order to get at least 7 hours needed for daily functioning. I love my job, regardless.

-Since I'm on my way to being a grown-up, most of my close friends spend their time working as well. By the time I got home from the coffee shop around noon, after working a full shift, most of my friends were just getting started on their workdays. This left me lots of time to myself. Sometimes that's a good thing. Other times it resulted in boredom.

-As May turned into June, the disappointment of incompatibility became a reality. Incompatibility is probably one of the hardest things for two people in love to experience. We wrestled with the options for a good month. Ultimately I was more disappointed than anything.

-On June 19th, the incompatibility became too obvious. My two and a half year relationship ended when we realized that dragging something so great out that would ultimately end in more disappointment was pointless. I experienced heartache like I never have before. The dreams of a wedding and white picket fence with my two-and-a-half-year companion were crushed.

-Here's the cool part, though. I have never in my whole entire life experienced God's peace like I have in the past three and a half weeks. Sure, I was heartbroken, but God is so good. After a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of good conversations with people that love me, I have never felt more at peace. I know that although our decision to end our relationship was painful that it is part of God's plan. I don't regret it for a second. Even though I still have painful moments everyday, I'm reminded of a Creator that loves me and has a plan far better than anything I could ever imagine. Peace is the coolest feeling. I can sit and be still and breathe and know that I'm a daughter of the King who has a far better plan than I could ever come up with (even though I'm the queen of planning and controlling).

-Camp JOY. In just the knick of time, I was whisked away to the mountains for my week of camp. If you've read my blog before, or if you've talked with me for more than 5 minutes, you've heard me mention something about special needs, or Camp Joy. All of last week, I was able to love on the people that inspire me more than anyone else. (I had a whole 2 paragraphs written here about my week at CJ, but I think I'm going to save that for another post!)

-I leave for Africa (Swaziland to be exact!) in 27 days! I am so excited. My heart breaks already when I think of some of the people and situations that I'm going to encounter. But my heart is also filled with SO much anticipation. Can I tell you a cool story? Ok. To go on this trip I needed to raise $3000. I was at $2950 when I met a lady at the coffee shop who noticed my desktop background plastered with the faces of the most PRECIOUS African children. She questioned my purpose for having it there, and of course I told her all about my trip. As I got back to my "work" (Facebook. Twitter. Blogger. You know how hard life over the summer is) and she got back to hers (real work, mind you), I noticed that she was approaching me once again. She pulled out a $50 bill and said "I know this isn't much, but I'll be praying for you and I hope that this can help you reach your goal." Little did she know that that was all I had left to raise. I've now raised well over my $3000 and will use the extra to purchase Bibles written in the native language of Swaziland. God is so good. And I, as well as my parents, are completely (well almost completely) at peace knowing that when He gives a call, He most certainly provides.

-Though times are hard and yet so exciting, I'm growing. More than I have in a while. I'm trusting and surrendering. I'm understand that my plans are so insignificant. They mean nothing. And that's a huge lesson that I, the control freak, have needed to learn for a really, really long time.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Pslam 37:4

I bet Jesus would have had dinner with him...

In church yesterday the sermon was about how "Jesus moved toward the despised." It was such appropriate timing in that, on that same night, America received word that Osama bin Laden had been captured and killed. Although I fully support justice and understand that he is an evil man deserving exactly what he was given, I was completely bothered by the reaction of America. From celebrating on the street in front of the White House as if it were New Year's Eve, to a swarm of Twitter and Facebook posts exclaiming "we got em", to reporters on the news spinning around in their chairs and clapping at the news of his death, the celebration was endless. Again, I realize that OBL terrorized thousands upon thousands of people, really, I get that. But celebrating the death of a person who is ultimately spending his eternity in hell doesn't seem right to me.

Osama bin Laden was probably one of the most despised men in America, if not the world. I think it's fine to celebrate justice, but celebrating the killing of a person is another story. Regardless of how despised, it humbles me to think that even the Lord cared about him. I can guarantee you that even Jesus would have eaten dinner with him.

The Pharisees and their scribes began grumbling at His disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with the tax collectors and sinners?" And Jesus answered and said to them, "It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:30-32