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<3 Jenna

This year is a little different...

Last year around this time of year, I wrote a blog about Easter. You can find that here: http://jennacanfly.blogspot.com/2011/04/easter.html

This year, things are slightly different.

In years past, it's been awesome to sit and revel in the love of my Savior. I've always been so overwhelmed with His sacrifice that I'm excited to celebrate His resurrection. I've always taken pride in my ability to be "perfect"... all through high school I was viewed completely one-sided; heaven forbid I ever have a bad day. My need for a Savior wasn't much of a need- I was a good girl after all and didn't completely need Him to save me, right? He only came to save the "bad" people.

After many strange, frustrating, insightful and humbling experiences in my life over the past 4 months, I'm learning that perfect is something that I am not. I know it sounds silly; trust me, there are days when I still can't believe that I hid behind that lie for so long.

This year, I'm reveling in the deep, deep Grace of my Father. His Love is incredible, don't get me wrong. But His grace is something that I absolutely cannot comprehend. I'm humbled by the fact that without His sacrifice, I would be completely separated from Him by my sin forever.

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." -Romans 7:18

So this year, I reflect on the fact that His sacrifice completely saved me from the pit and is totally and completely undeserved. It's so humbling to think that the Creator of the world would send His Son to die. He would suffer for me in order to cover my sin.

"I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." -Psalm 16:2

I will never harm you.

The end of the semester always makes me really reflective, especially fall semesters right before the holidays. I think back to this specific time six months ago, and I'm absolutely amazed at how much has changed.

God's faithfulness through it all has humbled me and challenged me. All for His glory. I'm reminded of my constant need for Him. I'm broken and I'm messy. When painful times and changes make me weak, He is still constantly pursuing my heart, renewing my strength.

He's shown me beauty in brokenness and healing in places that I never thought possible. He's given (abundantly) and He's taken away. The Lord has shown me the power of relationships and the true gifts that they are. He loves us so well through others, it seems.

He's shown me how truly blessed I am, and through that knowledge He's humbled me and protected me from feeling guilty. He's introduced me to people on the other side of the world that have tremendously impacted my life. He's broken my heart and He's broken me down. All for His glory.

Jesus has grown me, molded me, and held my heart through it all. Growing up is painful. People aren't constant. Change is inevitable. And heartache is all a part of the process.

The last six months have been so wonderful, so hard, so heartbreaking, so challenging, so joyful, so honest, so refreshing. It's so beautiful to look back at this season of life and see where I've been. He's always working and always challenging me.

Sometimes I questioned if He really knows what He's doing. Times get hard, I become self-reliant, forgetting that He's in control, and then He always gently reminds me to trust Him. His promises are so faithful. When He mentions "plans to prosper you and not to harm you," He's so serious. He will never, ever harm me. He'll challenge me more than any human can, but He'll never give me anything that I can't handle.




Song For You
by Jenny & Tyler

"my voice you didn’t know, didn’t know
i called you had to go, had to go
back to your little world
where nothing is strange

you set out on your own, on your own
you said, i’m heading home, heading home
back to the life you know
neatly arranged

I have done for you
everything my love
hear my song for you
I will not hold my tongue

it’s late, your getting cold, getting cold
you try to keep warm, but you’re alone, you’re alone
the dark streets are empty now | and the wind starts to blow

I have done for you
everything my love
hear My song for you
I will not hold my tongue
open your heart, open your heart
for I have loved you from the start
I will never harm you, come my love
So come
So come

I have done for you
everything my love
hear My song for you
I will not hold my tongue
open your heart, open your heart
for I have loved you
open your heart, open your heart
for I have loved you from the start"

Africa.

Africa is really hard to talk about.

Africa turned my world completely upside-down.

Africa taught me about the Lord and His authority.

Africa showed me how small I really am.

Africa opened my eyes to a bigger, hurting world.

Africa stirred in me a need for relationship and a need to invest more time in the ones that I value.

Africa, and the things that I saw there, haunt me at the most random times.

Africa broke my heart.

Africa helped me to heal.

Africa let me see people experience joy even in the most painful times.

Africa is home to so many broken people. But they're not anymore broken than the any other human beings, including Americans.

Africa beautifully taught me the story of grace.

Africa has my heart and always will. It changed me and shaped me in ways that I didn't know were possible. I still struggle to talk about my experience there and some moments, like this one, I want nothing more than to jump on a plane and fly across the ocean.

Heartbreak.

Heartbreak is completely inevitable in life.

My heart broke the moment I realized that I had to give up the dream of a future together with my boyfriend of two and a half years for reasons completely out of my control.

My heart broke at my first sight of Africa and it's poverty, orphans and disease.

My heart breaks every time I walk into my internship and learn more about the neglect, abuse and brokenness in the lives of my five precious students.

And all of the above mentioned heartache has happened in a three month span of time.

It's inevitable.

The way people treat you while they you're hurting can either cause healing or more heartache.

Tiptoeing around me as though not to mention a painful occurrence only hurts worse sometimes.

Seeing me process through things and freely embracing me though my tears heals me little by little.

Knowing that I don't know what's at the end of this path I'm walking down; knowing that following Christ means painful occurrences; yet all while trusting my Guide makes every ounce of pain and hurt, and every tear just a part of the process of life that will ultimately achieve for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.


"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." -2 Corinthians 4:17


<3

It feels something like summertime.

Oh, summer. It's such a weird, yet awesome time. This summer has been especially weird this time around. I've experienced a plethora of emotions/feelings. Excitement. Exhaustion. Boredom. Disappointment. Heartache. Peace. JOY. Anticipation. Growth.

-I was so excited for summer to finally roll around. Spring semester was especially rough, and I wanted nothing more than to be on summer break, away from school.

-Even though I felt as if I were doing nothing except working, I was absolutely exhausted. Working in a coffee shop is great. The atmosphere is so calming (sometimes). But with a coffee shop comes early morning hours. People need their coffee, especially in the mornings. I began going to bed hours before the rest of my family in order to get at least 7 hours needed for daily functioning. I love my job, regardless.

-Since I'm on my way to being a grown-up, most of my close friends spend their time working as well. By the time I got home from the coffee shop around noon, after working a full shift, most of my friends were just getting started on their workdays. This left me lots of time to myself. Sometimes that's a good thing. Other times it resulted in boredom.

-As May turned into June, the disappointment of incompatibility became a reality. Incompatibility is probably one of the hardest things for two people in love to experience. We wrestled with the options for a good month. Ultimately I was more disappointed than anything.

-On June 19th, the incompatibility became too obvious. My two and a half year relationship ended when we realized that dragging something so great out that would ultimately end in more disappointment was pointless. I experienced heartache like I never have before. The dreams of a wedding and white picket fence with my two-and-a-half-year companion were crushed.

-Here's the cool part, though. I have never in my whole entire life experienced God's peace like I have in the past three and a half weeks. Sure, I was heartbroken, but God is so good. After a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of good conversations with people that love me, I have never felt more at peace. I know that although our decision to end our relationship was painful that it is part of God's plan. I don't regret it for a second. Even though I still have painful moments everyday, I'm reminded of a Creator that loves me and has a plan far better than anything I could ever imagine. Peace is the coolest feeling. I can sit and be still and breathe and know that I'm a daughter of the King who has a far better plan than I could ever come up with (even though I'm the queen of planning and controlling).

-Camp JOY. In just the knick of time, I was whisked away to the mountains for my week of camp. If you've read my blog before, or if you've talked with me for more than 5 minutes, you've heard me mention something about special needs, or Camp Joy. All of last week, I was able to love on the people that inspire me more than anyone else. (I had a whole 2 paragraphs written here about my week at CJ, but I think I'm going to save that for another post!)

-I leave for Africa (Swaziland to be exact!) in 27 days! I am so excited. My heart breaks already when I think of some of the people and situations that I'm going to encounter. But my heart is also filled with SO much anticipation. Can I tell you a cool story? Ok. To go on this trip I needed to raise $3000. I was at $2950 when I met a lady at the coffee shop who noticed my desktop background plastered with the faces of the most PRECIOUS African children. She questioned my purpose for having it there, and of course I told her all about my trip. As I got back to my "work" (Facebook. Twitter. Blogger. You know how hard life over the summer is) and she got back to hers (real work, mind you), I noticed that she was approaching me once again. She pulled out a $50 bill and said "I know this isn't much, but I'll be praying for you and I hope that this can help you reach your goal." Little did she know that that was all I had left to raise. I've now raised well over my $3000 and will use the extra to purchase Bibles written in the native language of Swaziland. God is so good. And I, as well as my parents, are completely (well almost completely) at peace knowing that when He gives a call, He most certainly provides.

-Though times are hard and yet so exciting, I'm growing. More than I have in a while. I'm trusting and surrendering. I'm understand that my plans are so insignificant. They mean nothing. And that's a huge lesson that I, the control freak, have needed to learn for a really, really long time.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" -Pslam 37:4

I bet Jesus would have had dinner with him...

In church yesterday the sermon was about how "Jesus moved toward the despised." It was such appropriate timing in that, on that same night, America received word that Osama bin Laden had been captured and killed. Although I fully support justice and understand that he is an evil man deserving exactly what he was given, I was completely bothered by the reaction of America. From celebrating on the street in front of the White House as if it were New Year's Eve, to a swarm of Twitter and Facebook posts exclaiming "we got em", to reporters on the news spinning around in their chairs and clapping at the news of his death, the celebration was endless. Again, I realize that OBL terrorized thousands upon thousands of people, really, I get that. But celebrating the death of a person who is ultimately spending his eternity in hell doesn't seem right to me.

Osama bin Laden was probably one of the most despised men in America, if not the world. I think it's fine to celebrate justice, but celebrating the killing of a person is another story. Regardless of how despised, it humbles me to think that even the Lord cared about him. I can guarantee you that even Jesus would have eaten dinner with him.

The Pharisees and their scribes began grumbling at His disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with the tax collectors and sinners?" And Jesus answered and said to them, "It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:30-32

Easter.

Easter is my favorite holiday; therefore, this time of year is my absolute favorite. Flowers are blooming and the weather is getting warm. I get more and more excited about Easter each and every year. Most of that is because as each year passes, I'm continuing to grow in my faith, and I'm becoming more and more aware of how desperately I need a Savior. Needless to say, I am ecstatic about tomorrow and what it brings. New life. An escape for the death that I absolutely deserve. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and not pay a second thought to what was done on the Cross. The King of the world sent His only son to die, to pay the price, so that I could be free. Tomorrow is such an exciting day.

What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
-1 Peter 1:3-5, The Message

:)

A quote.

I promise to leave some of my own original thoughts here soon:

"The disposition to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a process of in crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even existence of the life of self."

-T.C. Upham

Surprisingly Wise Words.

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me, you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, ‘Are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?’
It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?
There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. in some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say,

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

- Ashton Kutcher

Times.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
-Tenth Avenue North

Pressure

I lead a Bible Study for Freshman Girls. With this leadership position comes a lot of responsibility. Not only am I responsible for leading a weekly Bible Study, and making sure that what I'm teaching is Scripturally based and Biblically sound, I'm responsible for giving Godly advice when I'm presented with various problems in the lives of my girls. I love what I do, and balancing my schoolwork while constantly meeting with girls and preparing for Sunday night meetings hasn't been much of a problem until lately.

The semester has been a pivotal point for a lot of people, not just my Bible Study girls. I have a constant flow of girls in my room, telling me about their life, the things that they're struggling with, etc. There is a lot of hurt and pain in this world. I've had girls tell me of their struggles with self-worth, self-image, and feeling so low that they result in self-injury in order to feel some sort of relief, even just for a few minutes. I've been sworn to secrecy by most, promising that I wouldn't tell anyone. Sometimes I keep that promise. Sometimes I'm incapable of helping them and have to tell someone else who can.

This week has been a difficult week. I've been in a constant panicked state for the past few days. I love what I do, but I have trouble reminding myself that I can only advise. I can't fix. I can't take away anyone's pain; I can only help them through it. I can't prevent someone from hurting themselves; but I can remind them of the love of the One who knows their heart better than they even thought possible. I have trouble remembering this. I have trouble remembering that I'm not failing anyone by not being able to fix them. That was never a possibility in the first place. I struggle to remember that I'm not required to have it all together or to even look like I have it all together all of the time. I'm no better than any girl that I speak with; I struggle, I worry, and that's ok. I'm a human.

I've become so good at putting up a front. I can put a mask on, walk into a crowded room, and never once be questioned for my lack of 'togetherness'. But sometimes, I come to a wall and I feel like everyone needs something from me. I can't meet everyone's needs. I feel like I'll be a disappointment if I can't take on another burden right then and there. I start to panic because, in reality, if I can't even help myself, how in the world am I supposed to help someone else? That's where I landed yesterday. I had just learned of another considerable amount of pain in the life of another girl whom I love so much. I was running late for another engagement, and when I finally arrived, I was greeted by people who, even though they love me, needed me. I panicked and couldn't control my emotions when I realized that I'm not able to help myself enough to help other people more.

I'm in a funk and I can't fix it. I can't fix the lives of those around me. And I can't heal their pain. I'm not required to. I'm so busy that I'm wearing myself thin, and I'm neglecting myself and the relationships of people that actually pour into MY life. Although I fear becoming a burden to them, I have to remember that "even though Jesus washed a lot of people's feet, He allowed for others to wash His as well".

Ephesians 5:22-23

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." -Ephesians 5:22-23



I love this. I think marriage is so beautiful. I'm not a feminist in the slightest. I think wives submitting their husbands is Godly. I'm obsessed with this idea.



Random thoughts, I apologize. It's been a rough week and this chapter in Ephesians has been on my heart for a few days now.



‎"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -C.S. Lewis

<3

update...

It's been a while...

Just a few thoughts...

1. Christmastime is finally here :) I'm home, and home is truly where the heart is.

2. I kicked this semester in the booty. :)

3. JARED (that kid I never, ever see) is coming home on FRIDAY! Seriously, I'm not quite sure how to spend my time at home when he isn't here. We're going on a real date on Saturday. I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about it. He makes every situation just a little bit brighter. Shoot. I just can't wait.

4. I'm working... a lot. But I love my job. So much. And I'm so thankful that I have one that I can enjoy.

5. Two beautiful people got married this past weekend... I've known them for a while. It's my first set of friends to actually be married... I was rather perplexed initially, but I'm so in love with how in love they are. And even though it's a weird thing when all of your friends start to get married, it's a lovely thing. I'm just so thankful I was able to witness it first hand.

6. I love the holidays.

7. I've fallen in love with Dave Barnes and his music. He makes my heart melt. He was in Greensboro last week... I had class. Boo. Soon. :)

8. It has snowed TWICE in DECEMBER in NORTH CAROLINA. Amazing.

9. I'm super excited about next semester, and the fact that my first official Special Education book is on it's way. Also, the fact that I paid $13 for a $90 book makes it that much better.

10. I do miss Greensboro, just a little bit. Harrisburg makes my heart warm though. <3

Day 12

Day 12 - How you found out about Blogger and why you made one.

Hm. I suppose I like to write about things, but I never really had a reason to, so Blogger helped me to have a reason. The main reason that made me decide to actually get one was my friend Rebekah's blog over at Dusting Myself Off... :) She's one of my favorite blogs to hear from.

Day 11

Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends.




This are my main ladies here at UNCG. Kristen, my roommate, on the left. Heidi in the middle. And Amanda creeping in the back :) Love them dearly!

Day 10

Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Frustrated.


HAPPY:



For Love of You, Audrey Assad



SAD:



Your Hands, JJ Heller



HYPED (?):



Everything, Michael Buble



FRUSTRATED:



Undo It, Carrie Underwood (or anything Carrie Underwood really.)

Day 09

Something you’re proud of in the past few days...

As pathetic as this may sound, I'm proud of successfully obtaining 18 hours of sleep over the past weekend (Friday and Saturday night). I stayed at school this weekend and spent a majority of the time in my sweatpants, drinking tea, and watching movies with some sweet girls. As much as that doesn't sound like an accomplishment, it really was. Not having an activity planned for every second of my weekend for once was kind of a miracle. It did my heart some good to have some alone time, some rest time, and some movie time; therefore, I'm very proud of my accomplishment.

:)

Day 08, kind of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know I'm really far behind! I should be on day 29 or so as of now, but in reality, I'm only at day 8. Pathetic? No. I'm in college. Phew. Lots of lovely things have been happening in my life lately. I've been immeasurably blessed. And God has worked in my heart so much in the past few weeks (more on that later, don't you worry). Needless to say, I'm a busy girl. So, without further ado...


Day 08


Short term goals for this month and why.

This is kind of difficult for me, I'm not going to lie. I have daily goals and I have semesterly (new word?) goals. Thinking of things on a monthly basis is weird.

So, some goals for the semester you ask?

1. To finish with at least a 3.0. No, that's really not aiming low, I promise. A 3.0 would warrant dinner out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. School just isn't my thing...

2. As leader of a Bible Study for freshman girls, I'd like to impact all 10 of them as positively as possible. They've been such a blessing to me and God has used them all so much to help me grow.

Day 07

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.


UNCG Campus Crusade for Christ has had the biggest impact on my life thus far. I've grown so much closer with the Lord in the 1.5 years that I've been a part of this incredible, fast-growing organization. God is using CRU for big things on this campus, and I'm so glad to be able to be a part of it!