Pressure

I lead a Bible Study for Freshman Girls. With this leadership position comes a lot of responsibility. Not only am I responsible for leading a weekly Bible Study, and making sure that what I'm teaching is Scripturally based and Biblically sound, I'm responsible for giving Godly advice when I'm presented with various problems in the lives of my girls. I love what I do, and balancing my schoolwork while constantly meeting with girls and preparing for Sunday night meetings hasn't been much of a problem until lately.

The semester has been a pivotal point for a lot of people, not just my Bible Study girls. I have a constant flow of girls in my room, telling me about their life, the things that they're struggling with, etc. There is a lot of hurt and pain in this world. I've had girls tell me of their struggles with self-worth, self-image, and feeling so low that they result in self-injury in order to feel some sort of relief, even just for a few minutes. I've been sworn to secrecy by most, promising that I wouldn't tell anyone. Sometimes I keep that promise. Sometimes I'm incapable of helping them and have to tell someone else who can.

This week has been a difficult week. I've been in a constant panicked state for the past few days. I love what I do, but I have trouble reminding myself that I can only advise. I can't fix. I can't take away anyone's pain; I can only help them through it. I can't prevent someone from hurting themselves; but I can remind them of the love of the One who knows their heart better than they even thought possible. I have trouble remembering this. I have trouble remembering that I'm not failing anyone by not being able to fix them. That was never a possibility in the first place. I struggle to remember that I'm not required to have it all together or to even look like I have it all together all of the time. I'm no better than any girl that I speak with; I struggle, I worry, and that's ok. I'm a human.

I've become so good at putting up a front. I can put a mask on, walk into a crowded room, and never once be questioned for my lack of 'togetherness'. But sometimes, I come to a wall and I feel like everyone needs something from me. I can't meet everyone's needs. I feel like I'll be a disappointment if I can't take on another burden right then and there. I start to panic because, in reality, if I can't even help myself, how in the world am I supposed to help someone else? That's where I landed yesterday. I had just learned of another considerable amount of pain in the life of another girl whom I love so much. I was running late for another engagement, and when I finally arrived, I was greeted by people who, even though they love me, needed me. I panicked and couldn't control my emotions when I realized that I'm not able to help myself enough to help other people more.

I'm in a funk and I can't fix it. I can't fix the lives of those around me. And I can't heal their pain. I'm not required to. I'm so busy that I'm wearing myself thin, and I'm neglecting myself and the relationships of people that actually pour into MY life. Although I fear becoming a burden to them, I have to remember that "even though Jesus washed a lot of people's feet, He allowed for others to wash His as well".